Innovative New Calendar Fails to Take Off
November 1, 2006
Far, Far Away North -- Self-styled "visionary Orthodox entrepreneur" Reader Jerome ("the giraffe") Kashkoff-Moneypenny-Shopopoulos today hosted a small crowd of customers and media at the Left Coast Orthodox Tacky Nick-Nack Shop for the launch of his new product, the double-sided Old-New/New-Old Calendar.
"Say, don’t we have the patent on the name "Tacky Nick-Nack Shop"?" a certain Onion Dome reporter whispered to a certain other Onion Dome reporter as they waited for Reader Jerome to begin his presentation.
"I think our patent only applies outside the Mega-Archdiocese of Far, Far Away North," the other Onion Dome reporter whispered back.
"If the media members will quit talking amongst themselves," Reader Jerome said with a glare, "We can get on with my WONDERFUL new Orthodox product. Ladies and gentlemen, fathers and mothers, brothers and sisters and assorted riff-raff, I give you the NEW Old-New/New-Old double-sided calendar!"
"Good grief, these are pricy!" a certain Onion Dome reporter exclaimed as she saw the stickers on the sample calendars distributed to the press.
"Oh, that’s probably just because it’s in Mega-Archdiocesan dollars," a certain other Onion Dome reporter opined.
"Actually," the reader-entrepreneur interjected, "The price is a BARGAIN in ANY Orthodox currency, because you get two, two, TWO calendars in one!"
Reader Jerome proceeded to demonstrate how, when flipped over, the New Calendar became Old Calendar and vice versa.
Suddenly spotting a certain Russian Orthodox priest at the prayer rope counter ("Neon prayer ropes for the skater crowd! Glowbead prayer ropes for the rave scene!"), a certain Onion Dome reporter scooted across, microphone in hand, to demand, "Father! What do you think of this new double-sided calendar?"
A certain Russian Orthodox priest took the calendar, flipped the pages, turned it upside down, turned it over again and shrugged. "Is not outrage. Is dumb idea." After a closer look he admitted, "Price of calendar, on other hand...."
"Everybody can use one!" shouted the reader, as the prospective customers, yawning, began to disperse without offering to purchase any calendars. "Why, this product will promote peace and unity amongst Orthodox like nothing before or since! New Calendar people with Old Calendar relatives can flip the calendar before the relatives come to visit, thus avoiding offending them!"
The remaining customers seemed to remain unconvinced. "I can’t figure out which side is which," admitted one shopper.
"Why you are covering this thing anyway?" a certain Russian Orthodox priest asked the Onion Dome reporters. "This is news?"
"Actually, we just decided to cross the border into the MegaArchdiocese to try some of this poutine we keep hearing about," admitted a certain Onion Dome reporter.
"We did not!" objected a certain other Onion Dome reporter, giving a certain Onion Dome reporter an elbow to the ribs and glancing shamefaced at a certain Russian Orthodox priest. "We would never eat cheese curds and gravy during the Dormition fast!"
A certain Russian Orthodox priest shrugged again. "Maybe double-sided calendar is not so dumb after all. Flip to Old-calendar side -— Dormition fast is not for thirteen more days there!"
Unfortunately for the budding entrepreneur, sales did not take off. Since the Onion Dome reporters were the last ones left at the shop (a certain Russian Orthodox priest having departed with his purchase of neon and glowbead prayer ropes), they asked Reader Jerome for a final comment:
"Maybe it was a mistake to try to launch a calendar in August. July, I mean. August or July, either one," he said gloomily.
Unless sales pick up by the end of the year, Reader Jerome says, he will have to trash his plans to branch out into double-sided vestments and a double-sided iconostatsis. Iconostases. Whatever.
This report was filed by guest contributor Matushka Donna.
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