New Parishioner Raises Parish Meeting Spirituality Way Past '10'
November 1, 2006
NEW MARKET, Ohio -- Members of St. Mary Magdalen Parish here were amazed last weekend as Wesley (St. Barsanuphius the Really Spiritual) Wentholme raised the level of spiritual discourse at their annual parish meeting way past "10".
Wentholme, a transplant from All Especially Holy Martyrs in Oceanside, Calif., brought many of his new fellow parishioners to their knees with his questions and comments during the course of the business meeting last weekend.
The meeting, which in prior years took about an hour to review the financial statements, approve a slate of parish council candidates and hear reports from various committee heads and ministry leaders, this year lasted until nearly 5 p.m., leaving the few parishioners who sat through the whole thing hungry, antsy and exhausted.
Wentholme wanted to know how the parish accounting method jibed with the Rule of St. Basil. He quoted a Bible verse about giving a true accounting when he noticed a $10 rounding error in the gross income column.
He said that he couldn't in good conscience vote on the slate of candidates since he hadn't had a chance to meet all of them. When the parish priest, Father John ("the Longsuffering") Prendergast, asked parish council candidates to stand and tell new parishioners their names and a little bit about themselves, Wentholme began to ask their opinion on theological fine points of the Fifth Ecumenical Council, before Father Prendergast and William ("St. Dmitri the Holy Warrior") Vaughn, parish elder, called off the inquisition.
By the time the committee heads and ministers began their reports, the meeting had gone into its third hour. Wentholme wanted to know if the parish stewardship committee shopped at Wal-Mart, how the parish ministry committee would handle a hypothetical situation of a pregnant abuse victim within the parish, how the choir director reached his decision about how much Byzantine chant to use in any given Sunday.
"I thought I was going to die," said parishioner Mary Alice ("It's Not a Good Time to Ask Me My Saint's Name Right Now") Smith after the meeting. "I was trying to make my peace with God, but it was hard with thoughts of mayhem running through my head."
"It was a time of great spiritual growth for me, I think," said Ed ("St. Nicodemus") Barnes. "I usually pray the Jesus Prayer, but after about hour 2, I switched over to 'How long, O Lord, how long?'"
"He seems like a nice boy," said Winifred ("St. Dorcas the Merciful") Hartford. "I hope he's a little better informed beforehand next year."
"I generally try to make the best of a bad situation," said Pete ("St. Pyotr, the Not Wanting to Be Confused with the Western Spelling") Dominici, "and so I was imagining what it might be like to be sent to the Gulag for my faith."
Kathy ("St. Katherine, the Not to Be Messed With") Prendergast, 16, who volunteered to watch the smaller children during the meeting, was angry at having lost her entire Sunday afternoon. She declined to speak on the record, but instead said she would take it up with parish leadership later in the evening.
"It was a long meeting," Father Prendergast said, "and it revealed some of our administrative weaknesses. We'll have to figure out a way to dial back the 'spirituality' before this time next year."
This report was filed by Onion Dome rambling reporter Jan Bear.
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