Gametendo Releases Heresy-Hunter 3: The Road to Chalcedon
February, 2008
A long-awaited event in the world of gaming, Heresy-Hunter 3: The Road to Chalcedon is now out on Wyy, Z-Box, and BS3 platforms. With its awesome graphics and action-packed new features, this upgrade does not disappoint. As in previous versions the central character, Epiphanius, shoots heretics with long, sausage-like projectiles called Salamis. In HH3, Arius, a giant-sized, hairy tick, meets his end with a carefully aimed salami bearing the inscription "Ook Een Hoté Poté Ook Een," which, as everyone knows, is the transliteration of the Greek for "There was no time when [He] was not." Never was a more stinging projectile aimed at a video nemesis. The demise of Arius is aided by a second player who controls a character named Nicholas who pummels Arius's face and jaw, preparing him for the well-aimed Salami, and earning the game a parental advisory message.
Since this installment of the game promises to move onward to the fifth-century, the play focuses considerably on the hero, Cyril. In sidebar action, a scantily-clad Neo-Platonist named Hypatia meets a gory end at the hands of some totally out-of-control Egyptians. But the main nemesis is Nestorius, who is assaulted - here not by Epiphanius's Salamis but by sleek projectiles called Anathemas. The hero has only twelve so he has to use them sparingly, something for which the avid gamer must take chilling responsibility.
This is the best version since Heresy-Hunter 1: Gnaw Your Gnostics. Many gamers were disappointed by HH2: Post-Nicene Pandemonium, despite the awesome gas-emitting Athfartodocetists of Halicarnassus. They will forgive everything with this new heart-pounding entry in the electrifying world of virtual church history.
This report was filed by guest contributor "Peter the Dog."
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