Dear Matushka Svetlana
March, 2008
Dear Matushka Svetlana,
I've been reading about Orthodoxy online for a long time, and I've recently visited a little parish of the Holy Orthodox Really Russian Orthodox Russian Church in eastern Western Australia, not too far from where I live. I was thinking about becoming an inquirer there, but now I'm not so sure.
At this HORROR Church, they told me that I can't become Orthodox unless I become Russian first. Begging your pardon, of course, I don't want to become Russian. You have to understand that I'm Aboriginal, and we've had people trying to make us become Europeans ever since the white fellas first showed up here. It's kind of a sore spot with us, you understand. So is it possible to become Orthodox without becoming Russian?
Signed,
An Interested Aboriginal
Dear Interested Aboriginal,
As my dear husband Father Vasiliy would say, Is Outrage! Were saints of 19th Century Russia making First Peoples of Alaska become Russian before they became Orthodox? They were not! Father Vasily loves saints of 19th Century Russia. Father Vasily loves everything about 19th Century Russia. That is why Father Vasily became Russian when he joined holy Orthodox Church. As good Russian churchman, Father Vasily would not make Aboriginal people into Russian people. Just be good Aboriginal is enough.
Dear Matushka Svetlana,
I visited a HORROR Church over here in New Zealand, which is supposed to be some sort of mission parish, and the services were in this weird language called Slavonic! What's that about? Apparently they used to do the services here in English and Maori, until the bishop said that, in 19th century Russia, the services were in Slavonic, so they have to do their services in Slavonic. Does God only understand Slavonic?
Signed,
Kiwi
Dear Kiwi,
As my dear husband Father Vasiliy would say, Is Outrage! Was it Slavonic services in 19th Century Russia? Yes, it was. Bishop is right about that. But was different in missionary churches. Was great missionary saint and bishop, Innocent of Alaska, having Alaskan people doing services in Slavonic? No! Was great missionary saint and bishop, Nicholas of Japan, having Japanese people doing services in Slavonic? No! Not after Innocent told him knock it off, he wasn't, anyway. Was great missionary saint and bishop, Patrick of Ireland, having Irish people doing services in Slavonic? No! Great missionary saints in New Zealand would be doing services in languages understanded of the New Zealand people, and serving good New Zealand beer at coffee hour.
Dear Matushka Svetlana,
As you know, it's still summer here in Australia, but when I visited the local HORROR church, they had the heating on in their church, and everyone was wearing thermal underwear and wool clothes and heavy coats. It smelled like the inside of a locker room in there, let me tell you! I was told that it was cold in February in 19th century Russia, and the bishop says that the HORROR Church has to do everything that was done in 19th century Russia, so they wear winter clothes all summer. Forgive me for asking, but do you and Father Vasily wear thermals in the summer? That seems more than a little crazy to me. I don't even wear thermals in July, much less February!
Sincerely,
Sweaty in Sydney
Dear Sweaty,
As my dear husband Father Vasiliy would say, Is Outrage! Bad smells were problem in 19th Century Russia. Priest should be using more incense. Lots of good incense, and no one will be noticing locker room smell.
But tell me, who is to be checking to see if you're wearing thermal underwear? Father Vasily is wearing lightweight cotton cassock in summer. He likes wearing cassock because no one can see what he wears under it. (Please not to be telling him I told you that.) Father loves 19th Century Russia, but even Father knows that climate in Australia is not same as climate in Siberia. Perhaps HORROR bishop isn't knowing that? Or maybe this HORROR bishop likes smell of sweat?
Dear Matushka Svetlana,
I'm a member of a HORROR mission in the southern Northern Territories, and I've just found out our bishop has ordered our priest to purchase all new vestments from the HORROR House of Liturgical Fashion. As I'm sure you understand, a remote mission like ours has a lot of needs. I'm afraid we're going to have to choose between buying new vestments for our priest and stocking the shelves at the Church where people can come get food if they're out of money. What should we do?
Mystified in the Mountains
Dear Mystified,
As my dear husband Father Vasiliy would say, Is Outrage! Was it looking good instead of feeding poor in 19th Century Russia? Was it bishops acting like tsars in 19th Century Russia? Sadly, Matushka is thinking it was. Maybe that explains Russian Revolution. But never be minding that. Matushka is thinking perhaps is good thing if HORROR bishop not visit for a while. Perhaps HORROR bishop got too much Australian sun last time he was visiting, and needs long rest in monastery to recover.
This report was filed by guest contributor "Xenia of Tampa"
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