Old Country Californians Astonished at Milwaukee Piety

April, 2008

Milwaukee, Wis. -- Sisters Lisa ("Like, St. Lucia") and Trish ("Patricia, for St. Patrick, duh!") Andrews, recent émigrés to Wisconsin from the Old Country, were shocked by the number of pious Americans who turned out to celebrate Trish's Namesday.

"We, like, totally just moved here from the Old Country, y'know," Trish informed me. "Milwaukee is, like, so different!" She paused thoughtfully, popping her gum. "Not as good for shopping."

Lisa nodded, blowing a bubble. "We were, like, so surprised," she said when it exploded. "We'd heard all these stories of how, like, rude and secular Americans were, but we were totally impressed."

"We had just moved into our new apartment," Trish explained. "It's totally awesome. We, like, imported these potted palms and these gorgeous yellow couches. They are, like, to die for." She twirled a strand of blonde hair around her finger, temporarily distracted.

"Your Namesday?" your terce Onion Dome reporter prompted.

"Oh! Yeah. So, like, Lisa and I were going to head out to dinner to celebrate, since we couldn't find any New Calendar churches that might be having service."

"And 'cause, y'know, the Old Calendar churches wouldn't be celebrating yet," Lisa added.

"Right. Where were we going again?"

"Out to dinner."

"Oh, yeah, Manzetti's! At least I think that's what it was called. We never actually got there."

"Didn't we get stuck in traffic just off Main, by a place called O'Reilly's?

"Ooh, yeah, that's right! It was totally sweet."

"Totally," Lisa agreed. "So we got out of the taxi there, since O'Reilly's seemed to be totally amazing, with music and a ton of people and everything–"

"It smelled way good," Trish interrupted dreamily. "It was like this cabbage-y stuff and, like...I think they called it corn and beef, but I didn't see any corn! But it tasted so totally awesome."

Lisa nodded. "It so did. Anyway, we got out there and, like, it turned out everyone else was there for the same reason we were: Trish's Namesday! Isn't that awesome?"

"It was sooo much fun!" Trish gushed. "I've never had such a big Namesday party! And they were all wearing my favorite color, green! It was, like, beyond super."

"Everybody had so much fun. It was so amazing. But they were all acting a little goofy," Lisa added. "Maybe it had something to do with whatever they were drinking so much of. Trish and I had Spryte, since they didn't seem to have any smoothies on the menu."

The sisters frowned. "So weird," they said in unison.

"Honestly, what kind of city doesn't have any Jumbo Juice?" Trish shook her head. "But it was still way cool. We even saw some Old Calendarists there!"

"Like, seriously, who says Americans aren't pious?" Lisa scoffed. "Those Old Calendarists told us they celebrate twice!"

This report was filed by Onion Dome terce reporter Brigid Strait.
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