It Is Too My Namesday!
April, 2008
Tewdric ("That is my saint's name!") Byerly has a bone to pick with ... well, just about everybody.
"Nobody ever believes it's my Namesday," he was overheard complaining in a local bar. He was overheard by quite a few people, in fact, as a large portion of the church had gathered at a local bar and grill for a (lenten) meal after Pre-sanctified Liturgy.
"Why?" your terce reporter was bold enough to ask.
Everyone in the general vicinity immediately sighed. "Don't get him started," groaned an anonymous priest.
"Please," interjected Lily ("St. Iliana") Wormeck, putting her head in her hands.
"We're all begging you," added Pete ("Uh, actually my patron saint is the Apostle Paul") Johnson.
Too late. "It's all Father Seraphim's fault!"
"Gee, thanks," muttered the no-longer-anonymous priest.
"I was baptized on April Fool's Day, my Namesday is April Fool's Day, and my saint's name sounds like a joke!"
"So why didn't you pick a different one?" Matushka Eileen ("Helen the Impatient") muttered irritably.
Byerly continued. "What did I know? I was just a poor, innocent catechumen! And when Father Seraphim scheduled my baptism for April first, I had no idea what long-term torment would follow!"
"Yeah. Right." Wormeck glared at him. "So people thought your conversion was a joke, big deal."
"Nobody believed I'd been baptized for real! Adding insult to injury, I had to pick a name that sounds like my parents played a prank on me!" Byerly said indignantly.
"...And you have a weird saint's name, fine. Get over it! You could've picked a different one, you know."
"Martyr-hermit Tewdric is a wonderful saint," Father Seraphim said wearily.
"Yes, but couldn't you have given me a normal option?"
"I gave you many options!"
Byerly took in a huge gulp of air, as most of the listeners expelled their breath in frazzled sighs. "No, you gave me Saint Tewdric of Tintem, righteous Achaz, and three guys whose names seemed more like adjectives than actual monikers!"
"Saints Euthymius, Procopius, and Eulogius," three members of the choir chanted in unison. It sounded vaguely like the recently-discovered Tone 9.
"We've all heard this before, Tewd," Johnson reminded him. He glanced at your bold reporter. "Except her."
"Do you know what it's like to walk in for an appointment and have the secretary laugh in your face?" He was flushing purple and waving his arms. Even the non-Orthodox were staring.
"Yes, Tewdric, we all know," Father Seraphim sighed. "You've told us three times this week."
"I never had a party after my baptism because people thought I was kidding," Byerly said flatly.
"Are you sure they didn't just want an excuse not to come?" Johnson asked as gently as he could. Wormeck snickered.
"Yes! I tell people my Namesday, and they tell me that's the best joke they've heard all day!"
"Could be worse, Tewd!" Wormeck said. "You could be Rostislav-Michael, like the guy whose Namesday was last week."
"At least Tewdric is short," Matushka said optimistically. "And it's spelled phonetically."
"You could always go by your given name, you know," your terce reporter suggested.
Byerly turned red. "My given name is Wilberforce."
This report was filed by Onion Dome terce reporter Brigid Strait.
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