Call for Canonisation of Joseph Stalin Experiences Severe Setback
August, 2008
A Russian communist group calling itself Ioseph Vissarionovich Are Nice (IVAN) has petitioned his Holiness and Beatitude Ilia II, Catholicos-Patriarch of All Georgia and Archibishop of Mtskheta and Tbilisi, which is to say head of the Georgian Apostolic Autocephalous Orthodox Church (or GAAOCH), to canonize one of the most notorious and murderous dictators of the 20th Century, Joseph Stalin.
As you might expect, his Holiness and Beatitude said no.
"This is most unexpected," said IVAN spokesman Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov. "Murderous communist dictators are people too. Besides, he built dams and canals and stuff; that ought to count for something."
"You have to be absolutely out of your mind," said GAAOCH spokesman Father Kakutsa Chokolatsvili. "This guy was pure evil. He killed millions of people in the gulags, and that was before breakfast. Come on!"
"You're just being mean," pouted Ivanov. "That was an honest mistake anybody could have made."
"He was a ruthless murderer! He had everybody in his closest personal circle taken out and shot!"
"So he had impulse control problems," admitted Ivanov.
"For crying out loud! He tried to starve the entire nation of Ukraine to death!"
"Nobody's perfect," suggested Ivanov.
"GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!" suggested Chokolatsvili.
"Okay, okay," said Ivanov. "We'll go ask the Russian one."
Fortunately your intrepid Onion Dome editor was able to tail Ivanov and his delegation to Moscow, and be present when they presented their petition to Father Yuri Nidzhit, spokesman for the Russian Orthodox Church Inside Russia Where it Belongs (ROCIRWIB).
"Hello," said Ivanov. "I am Ivan--"
"Yes, I know who you are, and the answer is NO," said Father Yuri.
"Is outrage!" said Father Vasiliy Vasileivich Smith, parish priest of Saints Boris and Gleb and Olga and Vladimir Russian Orthodox Church, Sydney, Australia, who had just arrived.
"What, you want we should canonize murderous dictator?" said Father Yuri.
"What murderous dictator?" said Father Vasiliy.
"Joseph Vissarionovich Dzugashvili," said Ivanov. "Everybody's favourite murderous dictator. Took first place in the Last Murderous Dictator Standing reality TV show three years running. Here, have huggable Saint Joe doll, our free gift!"
"You people are insane," said Father Vasiliy.
"This is what I was saying," said Father Yuri.
"This doll has bloodstained hands," said Father Vasiliy.
"See?! Such realism!" enthused Ivanov.
"This is like those nutcases that tried to get Rasputin canonised," opined our intrepid editor.
"No, is not at all alike! Those were insane, crazed monarchist nutcases. These are insane, crazed communist nutcases." suggested Father Yuri.
"Of course," said your intrepid editor.
"I think we should save canonisation for real holy people, rather than communist dictators and lecherous pseudomonks," opined Father Vasiliy.
"Works for us," said Father Yuri.
"You'll see. We'll create groundswell 'Canonize Joe' movement," threatened Ivanov. "Only a compassionate, humane one."
"This guy is totally meshuggener," said Father Vasiliy.
"Get out!" demanded Father Yuri.
Ivanov left.
"You want to hear CD of my son Bug, Orthodox seminarian and rap star?" asked Father Vasiliy.
"You're crazy too!" said Father Yuri. "And you, American, what do you do?"
"Um, I edit a monthly online Orthodox satire magazine."
"Is trifecta of crazies!" exclaimed Father Yuri. "Thank you for visiting, office is closed now. Good-BYE."
This report was filed by your intrepid Onion Dome editor
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