Convert Family Called in for Conference: Son Cannot Remember Name

August, 2008

"Just because he can't remember his name doesn't mean there's a problem," snapped Tia ("Phi--Philo--Philthe-for the love of God, leave me alone!") Mosely. "I just remarried, and now everything's changed for him. It's a new district, a new religion, a new everything! What do you expect out of the kid, miracles?"

School officials felt differently. "He didn't know if his name was Travis or Theodore," Principal Jeanne ("What on earth is a saint's name?") Parker said dryly. "Typically, that's not taken as a good sign."

"It's perfectly normal," the family priest argued. He had come in to help explain the situation, but it wasn't working particularly well. "Until I was nine, I didn't know whether to introduce myself as Dimitri or James, and now it's either James or Iakovos," he said, as if it made perfect sense.

"See, that's a red flag. It makes me think there's some sort of family problem, if the kid doesn't know his own name," Principal Parker said. "If you'd come to our school, we would have noticed."

"No, no!" Father James said quickly. "It was different for me, because I became a priest. But Theodore and his mother just converted to Orthodoxy, and he's just getting used to things."

"What sort of things? Is this some sort of cult?" Principal Parker demanded.

"No!" the priest said, alarmed. "No--no--no!" He shook his head and sighed. "Principal Parker, would it make you feel any better if I let you borrow a book about Orthodoxy? It'll explain everything. I promise." He paused. "Well, almost everything."

Principal Parker considered it. "And you're sure this isn't a cult?"

"Positive," Father James said firmly. "Now will you let him go back to class?"

"Oh, all right." She sighed. "But he does have a name, doesn't he?"

"Of course my son has a name!" the boy's mother snapped. "I named him Travis, after his uncle. And now he's Theodore, after his patron saint."

"How can he be both? Isn't it a little late to rename your son?" Principal Parker asked pointedly.

"Can I just have two names?" Travis/Theodore asked weakly. "Or-- wait. Travidore. If it'll make you guys shut up, I'll just say I'm Travidore. Okay?"

"My son's going to be scarred for life," moaned Tia.

"Never mind, Philothea," Father James said comfortingly. "He'll be fine." The priest looked worried for a moment and glanced at the boy. "Won't you?"

The nine-year-old considered it. "Can I go by Ted?"

His mother looked perplexed. "Ted?" He nodded. "Sure, I guess."

Ted grinned. "Sweet!"

Father James grinned, too. "See? He'll be fine."

This report was filed by Onion Dome terce reporter Brigid Strait.
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