Convocation of Eastern European Bishops Carve Up Diaspora
July, 2009
In a secret meeting announced in all the popular colour supplements last month, bishops from the churches of Wallachia, Bessarabia, Bohemia, and Silesia met in an effort to end centuries of squabbling and determine once and for all who will have jurisdiction in which parts of the heretofore non-Orthodox world.
The meeting took place in a rented hall in Versailles, France.
The meeting was fraught with difficulty and hard words, as afternoons grew long and tempers grew short. Everybody wanted North America, and the squabble over that resource-rich land nearly came to blows. In the end the Bishop of Wallachia was allowed jurisdiction over everything south of Nunavut and north of Panama except Florida, with the requirement that in return he take France, which nobody else wanted.
South America was divided at the 65th Meridian, with the eastern part going to Spain and the western to Portugal, a decision made over a lunch of Mexican food and for that reason called the Treaty of Tortillas.
Australia was given to Bohemia, which prompted an outraged Father Vasiliy Vasileivich to complain, "Is outrage!" and other choice interjections. Sadly, Father Vasiliy, like all priests and bishops from the so-called diaspora, was not invited to the meeting.
It remains to be seen how the results of the meeting, dubbed "Operation Overlord", will be received on the ground.
This report was filed by your intrepid Onion Dome editor.
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