Mission's Potluck Schedule Gets Off the Ground
September, 2009
Miami, FLA. - Parishioners here at tiny Holy Martyrs of Miami/Dade County Mission have been having a hard time coordinating their potluck dishes, according to spokeswoman Jan ("Saint John of Kronstadt") Smelts.
"Well, we decided late last year to start having a potluck every week after Liturgy," Smelts explained. "So the first week, everybody brought dessert. Desserts are fine, but it left us all hungry and we all had to eat again when we got home.
"So the next week, everybody figured that having nothing but desserts was not good, so everybody went the other way and brought main dishes. The food was great and we all went home satisfied, but eventually people got to thinking 'well, that was good, but it would be nice to have some dessert.' So the following week, everybody brought dessert again.
"By this point people realized we couldn't just flip-flop back and forth, so people thought, 'everybody else is going to bring a main dish because everybody brought dessert last week - so I'll bring dessert this week.' And everybody did.
"The following week everybody figured 'I don't care what anybody else brings, it's better to have all main dishes than all desserts,' so everybody brought a main dish."
"This continued for about three weeks, when everybody finally broke down and brought dessert. Everybody. Again.
"Finally somebody decided to do something about it. Terry ('St David of Wales') Llewellyn stood up at the luncheon and suggested that we coordinate who brought what. She had created a sign-up sheet on her computer, and she placed it on the table with the food for people to sign up to bring either a main dish or a dessert the following week, so we wouldn't get too many of either."
"So that solved the problem then?" asked our intrepid Onion Dome editor.
"Far from it. Nobody signed up for anything, and the next week, everybody brought dessert again."
"So how was the problem solved?"
"Finally one week Baba Masha stood up and said, 'Okay, listen to me or I hit with cane. Everybody on this side of room bring main dish next week, everybody on that side of room bring dessert.'"
"And that solved it?"
"Not immediately. A few people needed to be hit with her cane before they realized she was being serious."
"So now...?"
"So now every family brings one thing one week, and the other thing the next, based on which side of the room they were on when Baba laid down the law."
"And that works well?"
"Well enough. Unfortunately the week when this happened (we jokingly call it 'W-Week'), all of the Russians were on one side of the room, so one week all the main dishes have cabbage and sour cream, and the next week all the desserts have dill."
"Dill? In the desserts?"
"Well, not really, but I thought it sounded funny. You guys are all about being funny, right?"
"IS OUTRAGE!" said Father Vasiliy Vasileivich, parish priest at Sts Vladimir and Olga and Boris and Gleb Russian Orthodox Church of Sydney, Australia, inexplicably appearing with a plate full of food from the buffet table.
"What?" said Smelts and our intrepid Onion Dome editor in unison (in the fourth tone, Kievan).
"Nothing, I am just thinking it sounded funny. Silly Onion Dome editor is all about being funny, no?"
"Everybody's a comedian," muttered our intrepid Onion Dome reporter.
"What is wrong with dill?" asked Father Vasiliy.
"In dessert?" asked Smelts.
"I have whole cookbook of desserts with dill," said Father Vasiliy, inexplicably producing a copy of said cookbook from within his robes. "Written by yours truly. We sell at parish basement bookstore. Twenty Australian dollars. You buy?"
"What's that in American dollars?" asked Smelts, fishing her wallet out of her purse.
"I feel like I've lost control of this interview," complained our intrepid Onion Dome editor.
"Please to keep it down!" said Father Vasiliy. "We are transacting business."
"Fine, I'll just end the article," said our intrepid Onion Dome editor peevishly.
And I did.
This report was filed by your intrepid Onion Dome editor.
Post your
comments on this article on The Onion Dome Feedback Blog