A Viola Plays

September, 2009

Lobstertrap, MASS. -- Tempers flared and voices were raised in a special assembly of bishops as they attempted to address a recent controversy raised by the playing of a viola during divine services at St. Andrew the Hymnographer Orthodox Church.

St. Andrew's, located just outside of town on hwy. 12, right next to Ned's Transmission Repair and Crab Shack, has apparently allowed a young convert to play his viola to accompany the choir during divine services.

A visitor to St. Andrew's was aghast at the sight, and promptly reported it to the home office. "Actually it wasn't the sight I objected to," said the man, who wished to remain anonymous. "It was the sound. It was, well, shocking."

According to those who are opposed to the practice of instrumental music within Orthodox services, musical instruments are incapable of conveying truth and only to serve to excite the passions. "Even though we live in the United States, we have a Russian tradition to uphold," claimed Dn. Daniel, a monk from a nearby monastery. "Russian tradition does not allow for such practices."

Others who were interviewed made the claims that the Greek churches have organs and that some African churches make use of drums.

Fr. Philip, priest at St. Andrew's, made the point that due to the fact that the viola is not a real instrument, he didn't see any harm in allowing the young man the opportunity to play. "Besides," said Fr. Philip. "Sister Catherine, whose voice is weak and wavering, is allowed to sing soprano in the choir and no one objects."

As points and counterpoints flew across the crowded room, a lone figure at the rear of the room was trying to make his voice heard. It was the young violist himself. But no one but this reporter noticed.

This report was filed by an Onion Dome reporter Kyle Howard.
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