New Ancient Hymns Anger Hymnologists
December, 2009
In a move which has been ignored by seismometers from Irkutsk to Indiana, Orthodox hymnographers have finally published the long-awaited Magnetogorsk Tones.
Found deep in the cellars of the ancient Magnetogorsk Monastery, nestled firmly in the lush folds of the picturesque Magnetogorsk Mountains, the original manuscripts laid out an entirely unknown set of 8-tone melodies of common troparia, kontakia, stikhera, and so forth. The musical notation was of a form previously unknown to Orthodox hymnographers, and took a little time to work out.
"We consulted our colleagues in the West, we consulted the hymnographical evidence of the Eastern Roman (often mistakenly called "Byzantine") Empire, heck we even briefly had a look at the Rosetta Stone. But nothing could unlock the mysterious markings," said Dr. Singh Suitely, professor emeritus of Orthodox Hymnography at the ancient Magnetogorsk "Party City" Liberal Arts College.
"So how did you finally figure it out?" asked our intrepid Onion Dome editor.
"Eh, you know, guesswork, trial and error. The usual stuff."
"So basically you just made it up."
"Naturally the music only included the melody and a simple ison," continued Dr. Suitely, undeterred. "So we had our best hymnographers work out a lovely four-part arrangement in the usual Russian Orthodox style."
"This is apparently where the criticism has come in," offered our intrepid editor.
"Yes," said Dr. Suitely. "Apparently it is felt in the Orthodox world that five different notes are too many for a tenor to have to sing."
This is, indeed, the criticism levelled against the arrangements.
"Is outrage!" opined Fr. Vasiliy Vasileivich. "Was it tenors singing five notes in XIX Century Russia? No, it was not! How is tenor supposed to sing five different notes? Every Orthodox hymn, four notes. Troparia in tone one in Kievan style? Four notes. Kontakion in tone five in Obikhod? Three notes. Okay, maybe sometimes three. But what is this five notes? Is madness!"
"Historically, the Orthodox tenor has had a pretty cushy job," opined Imaslav Penguin, professor of Historical Orthodox History at St Tikhon's Orthodox Seminary and Roadside Icon Shoppe. "Most tenor part arrangements involve flipping between two or three notes, with the occasional flourish at the end of a cadence. Apparently, for many in the Orthodox hymnological world, these five-note arrangements were just one step too far. The crotchet that broke the camel's back, so to speak. Ha! I love my jokes! No wait, the hemiquaver that broke the camel's back! Bwahahhaha! The hemidemiquaver! Guffaw!"
"Um, yes," said our intrepid editor.
"Were these critics not consulted before the music was published?" inquired our intrepid editor.
"Of course," answered Dr. Suitely. "They were all on the board. But do boards ever pay any attention to the thing that they're on the board of? Of which they're on the board? Whose board they're on?"
"There's no good way to phrase that," observed our intrepid editor.
"No, there really isn't," agreed Dr. Suitely, sadly.
"Was Father Vasiliy on the board?" asked our intrepid editor.
"No, he just likes to complain about everything," noted Dr. Suitely.
"I heard that!" came a familiar voice.
This report was filed by your intrepid Onion Dome editor.
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