Heaven Help the Single Orthodox Girl
January, 2010
Dear Diary,
A really cute Orthodox boy just added me on MyFace. He's good-looking, my age, and single! Thank heavens the web makes finding all that out not awkward...reckon I'll go glance over his profile again. I forget where he's from.
...dangnabbit. The gent's from Lebanon, and he's still there.
Better luck next time?
Anya
Dear Diary,
I just met the cutest guy in class. I think he's a Russian exchange student, and his name is Sasha. He's really well-spoken, and funny—he told the cutest joke the other day, about how Rene Descartes walked into a bar...anyway. I'm going to talk to him tomorrow. It'll be great to have more Orthodox students on campus!
Anya
Dear Diary,
I talked to him. When I got so excited yesterday I forgot one key thing...
I go to a philosophy school. Philosophical college students are even less likely than regular college students to trust faith over reason. Or to trust anything. Anyway. He's the sort of intellectual who's only agnostic because he feels more open-minded saying that than saying atheist.
Sometimes I loathe academia.
Anya
Dear Diary,
Ellie set me up with a nice Orthodox boy from her Economics class. She was right, he's a sweetheart. Held the door open for me, paid for dinner. And he looked so cute in his yarmulke and tzitzit.
I think I should explain a few things to El at lunch tomorrow...
Anya
Dear Diary,
Ellie set me up again. She said that when she saw that his religion matched mine she had to get us together.
Well, I took a look at his profile. It said Geek Orthodox.
I need to stop her before she sets me up with my own cousin.
Anya
Dear Diary,
I talked to my cousin. I was right, Ellie'd already talked to him. She was trying to convince him to take me out next week.
Argleflargle.
Dear Diary,
Ellie finally promised to stop with the matchmaking, and I met a cute guy all on my own. His name's Jake, and he's really tall, and I heard a rumor he's a shoe-in for the lead in the spring musical. I spent like thirty minutes talking to him after class. So far I know he likes Celtic music (!), has three cats, and knows how to swing dance. Cool, yeah?
I sent him a friend request on MyFace—so I guess we'll see if he responds?
Anya
Dear Diary,
He added me. Under religion, he lists himself as “unorthodox.”
I hate to quote a comic strip, but asterisk! Asterisk! DOLLAR SIGN!
Anya
Dear Diary,
Took Jane to church with me this Sunday. She usually goes to the Greek church, so she had a blast meeting everybody. She couldn't stop talking about Dmitri. “How come you never mentioned him? He's so cute! I loved hearing him sing in the choir.
After fifteen minutes of me nodding and smiling she asked why I'd never mentioned him before. Well, truth is I just can't think of him that way. People are remarkably less attractive after they've held you hostage with squirt guns.
And wouldn't let me go til I said “poop” in five different alien accents.
Gah!
Anya
Dear Diary,
I FINALLY MET A CUTE, SINGLE ORTHODOX GUY MY OWN AGE! He's a priest's son from Ann Arbor who was visiting his sister, who's a grade above us. He's good-looking, we have tons in common, he has good taste in music, he's got plenty of social skills, and he doesn't have a parole officer. His name is Theo, and we have absolutely no chemistry.
On the bright side, I have a new friend, and we plan to see each other at the family conference this Christmas.
Anya
Dear Diary,
Why couldn't Theo and I have had a spark? Just a little spark? Why is the only guy who's interested in me a stoner-slash-biker boy from New Jersey?
Is there no mercy?
A.
Dear Diary,
My dream has come true! When I visited Gran last weekend I met an adorable Orthodox guy. He's decent-looking, mature, and has great taste. We spent half an hour cracking Firefly jokes that no one else got.
And he'll only get better with age. He's thirteen, and we're related by marriage.
Anya
Dear Diary,
Can I call you Fred? Can I make a little diary-shaped kilt for you to wear, and hang a cross around your “neck”, and pretend you love me back?
Oh crikey. I need a life.
This report was filed by your terce Onion Dome
reporter, who sincerely wishes fewer of these stories had been taken
directly from her life.
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